Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Bouncing Back (Better than Ever) after a Betrayal: PART 2


In case you missed PART I, you can read about my story here
This is such an important (and emotional) topic that I wanted to continue the conversation and share more about how I was able to heal and move on from a betrayal.

Every situation and relationship is different. In some cases, a couple will decide to work things out and become stronger and more bonded than before. I cannot speak on how to mend or repair a relationship...

In my situation, the relationship ended and I found that it was more helpful to create a clean break.

Did you know...

Women release a hormone Oxytocin (The Love/Cuddle Hormone) which triggers a bonding feeling...that verges on physical addiction Lol  After being intimate... the sound of his voice, the look on his face, his touch, the smell of his cologne... all become intensely associated with the pleasure Oxytocin brings. It keeps you bonded to him, even if (rationally) you think you aren't compatible or a great fit.

Soooo if you are splitting, be mindful of this. Protect yourself (if you can) from the touch, sight, sound and smell of your ex. Do this for your physical, mental emotional well-being lol! And over time that bonding will melt.

To do that effectively...you have to set boundaries and clearly communicate them. Otherwise, you will find yourself in situations that stall your healing.

Setting boundaries 

  • With HimThis was very interesting. Initially we had some "housekeeping" issues to wrap up (and he needed to finish packing/moving his stuff)
    That was fine and to be expected...however my ex basically wanted to be "remain friends"

    While that might be dandy for him, all it was doing for me was keeping me in a constant state of anger. As I mentioned in Post 1, I would swing wildly between feeling sad, okay and extremely angry.

    His strategy to remain friendly did not help my healing...In fact, when he called her right in front of me (to complain about me)...I nearly lost my mind and threw a fork & a can of cooking spray across the room. Okay I'm not proud of that, but I did realize that for ME to heal...I needed to be vocal and firm about boundaries.

    At first, that meant MINIMAL communication. Which progressed to no communication.

    The sound of silence...how sweet it is! 
  • With family, friends and well-meaning people 

    People in your life want to love on you, support you, and tell you how awful your ex was (We never liked him anyway! etc...)
    Okay, at first this is super fun. You just want to rehash the details of how he did you wrong, hear the gasps and marvel that your ex could be such a jack@$$.
    I think there is a healthy level of venting, but after a certain amount of time passes...and you are trying to move on (remember...you don't want to get stuck in one of the stages of grief)..it's time to put a halt to the smack talk.

    If you read POST 1 (sorry to keep referencing it lol) I talked about the importance of self care: 
    "Go do things you enjoy! Spoil yourself! My friends encouraged me to get out of the house, try new things, WORKOUT, get a pedi, take a class, go somewhere NEW! It helped me focus on LIVING & put my attention on making new, positive memories"

    You can't focus on NEW things...if you are stuck gabbing about the same injustices!

    If friends/family want to keep talking about it, there is a polite but firm way to move on. You just need to let them know.
    "I really appreciate you having my back! Right now it's important for me to focus on the future - It's more helpful to me if we talk about that. Thanks for helping me keep my attention on the good stuff to come! "

    Other situations might arise where you run into a friend or neighbor who just found out... or who you haven't seen since the breakup....

    Instead of going down the rabbit hole with them and indulging the conversation, I would say "It's true that our relationship is no longer...but I'm focusing my attention on the future. No sense in rehashing all of the hurtful details."

    People responded very graciously and respecting my boundaries.
Continuing the healing... 

My ongoing therapy with my Christian counselor helped more and more as the weeks went by... 

And while I was VERY nervous to search for bible verse for this next assignment, it's something I continue to revisit anytime an old belief pops into my head. So I urge you to at least give it a look!
 



Healing Homework: Assignment #2 Changing your Beliefs about Yourself & Others

"Belief" is defined as acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists.
But what if what you believe is based on lies or false perceptions?

Our beliefs are developed by layers of experiences over years of time...things we've seen modeled, things that have happened to us or those around us... and our brain works to assign meaning to these events.

Those deep down thoughts we form about ourselves and others are called "Core Beliefs"  Those suckers can keep you stuck in a cycle or holding pattern, preventing you from living your fullest life.

Consider this:
Hurtful experiences = Beliefs = Expectations = Behavior 


A hurtful experience happens...we assign meaning to that experience. That becomes our belief. Our beliefs lead to our expectations about how life and relationships work. That expectations will affect our behavior...which effects how people behave towards us. 



We end up acting in a way that aligns with our belief system. Those behaviors set us up to REPEAT the experience...which FURTHER reinforces the belief.

Example: If you have been rejected in the past, you might develop the expectation of rejection. Every time we think someone is rejecting us...it deepens that belief and it becomes what we continually expect.  If you expect to get rejected...you go into your relationship bracing yourself for the pending hurt/rejection. So we act or behave in a way that pushes people away.

It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Eeekkkk! Right?!

Identifying your Beliefs

Ok, can't believe I'm sharing my ACTUAL homework sheet haha So you guys can see what sneaky beliefs have plagued me... But basically... Look through the list and check off or note any of the statements that come into your thought process when you are going through a difficult time.
I also wrote mine own belief in on a blank space.



If you can't see it very well or want to print it out, I've uploaded this entire assignment here :What Do I believe? Homework

It's interesting when you started to dissect where these beliefs stemmed from. Sometimes it's not an overly traumatic event...it's simply how you interpreted an event.

As an example: One of my false beliefs was "Everything in my life is temporary."
Growing up, we moved around quite a bit so I never had those lifelong childhood friends or "THE room I grew up in."  I actually somewhat enjoyed moving and meeting new people, but it set a belief in me that everything is temporary. Why bother getting to know the neighbors? Why bother getting involved in the community?
That was definitely a lie and a false belief I wanted to change immediately.

Yours might be totally different than mine because they are all based on our personal experiences and how we assigned meaning to those events. The goal here is to become aware of them so you can create a NEW belief system.

Changing those FALSE Beliefs into a NEW Belief Based on Truth

Make a chart with three columns and list all of your old beliefs (The Lies we tell ourselves), make a column for your NEW beliefs, and a column for Scriptures that back up that belief.

From there, you will write your New Belief in the middle and look for scripture to back you up.

I realize this might be confusing for some (especially if you are like me and aren't very familiar with looking up scriptures), but I promise that it's incredibly healing and helpful. If I was looking for a scripture about needing to be in control, I simply googled "What does the Bible say about...control"

Or I would google "Bible verses about trust"

My counselor was amazing in guiding me but I can at least share my homework and provide you with some EXAMPLES.

Once you find a Bible verse that speaks to you...put in on your spreadsheet!


Next, you will say this prayer over each belief.


This is something that is EASY to just do...and then totally forget about. But if you are serious about building a new belief...it's just like forming a new habit...you need to reinforce it everyday until it becomes second nature.

To make it into a habit, put your new beliefs on notecards. Write the scripture on the back and read these before you start your day.

Because you have acknowledged those old beliefs (the lies), you will start to notice when they come up.

Just as an example, in my new relationship...I started to feel these weird untrusting feelings ... that had NOTHING to do with my boyfriend... and EVERYTHING to do with my past experiences.

I whipped out my notecards...

My Lie: Men Can't be Trusted
The TRUTH: God will Guide me (and will illuminate any untrustworthy people)
The Scripture: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.


I read that everyday because I do NOT want my past to determine my future. The last thing I want is to push good people away and create a self-fulfilling prophecy. 


Scaled Down Version of Homework
If looking up scriptures makes you uncomfortable or you want to keep things simple, take out a sheet of paper and fold it in half. One one side, write your ole beliefs...on the other side...write a positive message at affirms the opposite.

Example:
Old Belief: "I deserve to be unhappy"
New Belief: "My thoughts are filled with positivity, my life is plentiful and I deserve happiness, joy and love"


Whether or not this homework speaks to you, I think one of the critical components to healing and bouncing back better than ever...is simply acknowledging what hasn't been working in your life.

When I took the time to think about my belief that "I have to be in control or everything falls apart"...I realized that belief could have a negative impact on my business (not just my personal relationships). It gave me the confidence to loosen the reigns, to delegate some things out and let people SOAR.

My hope is that by sharing, you are able to look at some areas of your life that aren't working for you...and remove that invisible emergency brake that is holding you back from (healing, success, happiness, etc....)

PART III is all about finding love again! Can't wait to fill you guys in on our little story! God works in mysterious ways! hehe


5 comments :

  1. Truly inspiring. Thank you for sharing.

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  2. Cannot wait to read your next post ❤️

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  3. I highly doubt that this girl would be better looking than you, I mean, what does this girl look like?! From what you said in the one post it seems like you'd seen a picture of her because you describled her as manly and gross. I can't see a guy picking someone like that over you! This is crazy.

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  4. You are an amazing woman. Thank you for sharing.

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  5. Giiiirrrl, your little family is so beautiful!! Go make a baby!! lol Anyway, you are so right about women needing to create distance after a relationship ends...and I really like the idea of accepting positive truths instead of dwelling on lies.

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