Miscarriage: Our Angel Baby

Friday, February 15, 2019

 I’ve been debating if I wanted to talk about what happened last week.

Yesterday was THE day. We were going to share our BIG news with an epically adorable picture of our Reesey girl.

Unfortunately, all of that excitement turned into a painful experience...

For a brief moment, we were a family of four. 🧔🏻👩🏼👧👶🏼(+🐶🐶)

It was our little secret. It wasn't for long and sometimes I wonder if it was all in my head.

But we saw you. The two pink lines. The first line SO bold that I thought it was the control.

The doctor saw you. You were here. A little flicker- you existed.

We were shocked, you caught us completely off guard. We sat & absorbed the news. And spent an evening shaking our heads and laughing. 👫

A mother of TWO! One holding my hand, both holding my heart. 💞Amidst nausea and desperately needed naps, I started to daydream about what life would be like...
OHHHH the photoshoot opportunities! My two loves sharing a birthday month...and me doing the one thing I SWORE I would never do again...be 9 months pregnant in the hottest month of Florida! ☀️😅

The planning. The celebrating. The sharing ❤ Our family has so much love to give- How could there be a future without you?

And then, just like that.. you were gone.

We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead.

It hurts not having you here. But I'm glad we knew.

Meeting you wasn’t denied...it’s simply been delayed
❤ ❤ ❤

There is bonding in our brokeness. 👯‍♀️

The not-so-pretty moments in life link us together with so much meaning and authenticity. It makes you realize community is everything. 👩‍❤️‍👩

It meant a great deal to me that I can openly share one of the biggest challenges I've gone through...emotionally...physically...

It hit me harder than I expected. Miscarriage isn't something I've seen talked about very much. But it should be. It's a tough loss and you don't realize how tough until you're holding on to this huge, sad secret.
As someone who shares much of my life on social, I felt especially stifled. Going through the motions was suffocating me and I wasn't sure if the words would find me.

I trust in God's plan. And from the moment we knew there was a potential issue at the ultrasound, I had been bracing myself for either outcome.

It's one thing to think you've prepared yourself, but it's another to wake up in pain...to so much blood.
I was not AT ALL prepared for what a miscarriage meant physically. I couldn't help but to think I should be sifting through the giant blood clots.... looking for ...SOMETHING... Some sort of closure. An answer. Was I really supposed to flush the toilet knowing what was supposed to be my baby was in there? That part broke my heart. 💔
I kept thinking...Am I crazy? Am I overreacting? Is this normal? Is this really what is supposed to happen? Should I even share this?

One of the most bittersweet aspects...Reese & baby #2 would have shared a birthday month. Which means, Facebook keeps reminding me about how far along I would be right now with pics when I was pregnant with Reese.

Kind of hard to explain but the whole experience has humbled me. It's made me feel more grateful for the little things. And while I've always said a little prayer of gratitude over Reese, I've squeezed her even tighter...and given her just ONE more kiss every night.

It's often when we lose what we want, we start to appreciate it. When we have a cold, we appreciate our health and being able to breathe out of our nose. 🤧When we are away from friends and family, we appreciate their presence.

Friends, whether I responded...your messages me, calls, comments, love + prayers have meant so much. They've helped me heal. They kept me going & really made me feel a greater sense of connection.

And to the mamas who have lost their baby too...

You are not alone.
I stand with you.👭